Gaslighting in the Christian community is particularly common. Christians are not immune to utilising gaslighting techniques in the church. In fact, gaslighting in the church is more prone to be overlooked since a major requirement of organised religion is conformity.
Gaslighting is the act of psychological manipulation to convince a person to doubt his or her perceptions of reality to the extent that the latter questions his or her own credibility, and that of what they see, think, and are sure they believe.
The concept was first named in a 1938 stage play Angel Street, where a husband set out to convince his wife and those around them that she was insane. He did this by manipulating elements in their surroundings, which when she correctly identified as having been changed, he insisted that she was mistaken, delusional, or had faulty memory. Particularly, the term “gas light” surfaced from the dimming of the gas lights in their house because he was using those in the flat above theirs in search of personal effects to cover up a murder he had committed. While the wife correctly identified that their gas lights had become dimmer, he insisted that it was all in her head.
Since the 1960s the term has been widely used in psychiatry and popular culture to describe any such manipulation techniques used by sociopaths and narcissists. It is one of the major identifying characteristics of narcissistic behaviour. Albeit, with all the talk and awareness about narcissistic behaviour today, an alarming amount of narcissistic people still persists.
This begs the question of whether gaslighting is all bad? It is more common a practice than we think. Victoria Blinkhorn of University of Liverpool elucidated that Narcissism itself is of two forms: adaptive (positive narcissism) and maladaptive (the bad kind). Adaptive narcissism encompasses those socially acceptable traits like assertiveness, confidence, and leadership. While maladaptive narcissism describes those social characteristics which are toxic like anti-social actions, entitlement rage, and exploitativeness. Not every one who gaslights does so with malicious intent particularly in the milder forms of gaslighting where the perpetrator is seeking to convince the victim against his own perception of reality without physically manipulating their environment. In this case, the perpetrator may be sincerely convinced about what he or she is saying, sincerely mistaken thereby accidentally gaslighting the victim. Because of the reality of human existence, I believe accidental gaslighting is possible. Fundamentally, however, from the perpetrator’s standpoint, gaslighting is an act of defensiveness and self protection. Though I can empathise with persons who have been victims of childhood emotional abuse that rendered in them a narcissistic distorted sense of self and reality of which they would go to any length to protect, so much so that they feel the need to gaslight others to protect themselves- it is wrong.
Yet no one has the right to label someone a narcissist. It is a legitimate psychiatric illness that must be diagnosed by a trained Psychiatrist. We can only note narcissistic behaviour in individuals.
Very often for Christians, whether a notion makes sense or contradicts your sense of reality, there is the expectation of conformity once God’s name is mentioned and a scripture is tacked on to it. This is not to say that we should not conform to the word of God and sound doctrine. When one considers God’s truth as absolute truth, then it knocks the wind out of oversensitive individualistic philosophies peddled through the unique snowflake syndrome of our modern age. The kind that cries: “I am offended that you tell me I am wrong”.
There is still God’s absolute truth which informs our standard of morality, and there are still rules of healthy human relations that promote social and emotion well being (Mark 12:30, 31; Matthew 7:12).
Defensive Gaslighting- ‘throwing it back in your face’
Gaslighting is different in motive and manner from confronting someone about wrong doing. A gaslighter doesn’t care about the victim only him or herself. The Bible supports and encourages loving confrontation for Christian growth and community (Matthew 18:15; James 5:16). Yet gaslighters are skilled at reframing loving confrontation as an attack on their person, in return acting defensively and projecting said attributes on you ‘throwing it back in your face’. Regardless of how lovingly they are approached, they respond aggressively by attacking the other persons perception, and dismissing it without intention to consider what was presented- “It’s all in YOUR head” never theirs. No one wants to be corrected anymore.
Offensive Gaslighting– ‘breaking you down’
At other times, gaslighting can be sugar coated as friendly Christian advice and exhortation the true motive of which is to get you to be more open to being manipulated by the gaslighter or at least not to be so intimidating to him or her, to “break you down”. This kind is particularly deceptive because the name of God is mentioned and scriptural illustrations are used to support the gaslighter’s point. This will catch the victim off guard, and can create distress and genuine confusion in his or her mind especially since Christian shortcoming is implied and the receiver wouldn’t want to be seen as errant or disobedient to God. The effect is heightened if the perpetrator is someone with a measure of authority in the victim’s life and whose opinion he or she trusts.
How to Sensibly Overcome Gaslighting
Gaslighting is wrong simply because it challenges the human right to a sense of self and internal congruence. What we see, feel and experience are exactly real to US. It represents our unique perspective.
Because spirituality is so immensely personal and subjective, the only safe guard against Christian gaslighting is to have a firm relationship with Christ and understand how he speaks to you. Do not be afraid of being gaslighted. If you find yourself faced with a gaslighting situation and are tempted to doubt your sense of reality, STOP and implement these 7 steps:
1. REFLECT- try the idea on for size, is it true and correct?
2. RESONANCE- look for resonance within yourself. Deep sense of inner peace that something rests well with you.
3. PERCEPTION- it’s critical to acknowledge the validity of your own perceptions and your right to have them.
4. PROCESS- acknowledge the validity of your process by which you arrived at your perceptions and your right to it.
5. SUPPORT – Have a good support system of people who know you well and whose counsel you’ve come to trust over time when you needed clarity. Consult them for feedback.
6. HOLY SPIRIT- There is usually a sense of freedom and peace that accompanies truth (John 8:32). Seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance through the scripture, prayer, and quiet meditation. Ask Him to reveal and confirm the truth to you.
Knowing this process, live your life confidently in Christ.
Photo by Karl Fredrickson and Yaoqi LAI
Lleuella Morris is a Personal Growth Expert who successfully grew herself through adverse life situations and now helps liberate people and set them free by sharing knowledge and creating tools, techniques, systems, and frameworks to grow and develop them. She gifts people with the gift of self knowledge and self awareness and context to solve their difficult life situations. She enjoys bringing new perspective about God, godliness, Christianity, navigating life on this earth, people, and thorn-in-the-flesh issues.
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